Uterus & Lent

It's been 12 days since I quit taking my birth control. The realization of taking something for 9.5 years and the effects it has on your body have set it. The routine of taking it every night after I brush my teeth makes me feel like I'm forgetting something before I go to bed and then I lay there thinking 'have i forgotten to do something' and then I think about it for far too long and have trouble falling asleep. Crazy, I know!

Valentine's Day became a sob fest. The hubs got me a super sweet card that made me cry a little and then some family issues came up and I cried for 20 minutes. Not just a little cry but a full blown out sob, the faucets were turned on as wide open as they would go and I couldn't breathe. DAMN HORMONES!!

My stomach has been hurting since Saturday night. I had no idea what was wrong, until Wednesday morning. I woke up and I didn't feel like eating, frankly I didn't feel like doing anything except going back to bed. As I sat down on the couch, to force breakfast down, my stomach and lower back hurt. I thought, 'oh I know this feeling, my uterus is being a BITCH!' My hubs described it best when asking about it, 'so it's like you're on your period, but you aren't?' EXACTLY the bod is missing all the hormones and I am cramping something terrible. I had forgotten what real period cramps felt like and since I'm not supposed to start for another 15 days I was expecting it. I hate this and I know I'm gonna miss my 2 day periods :(

My face looks like a mine field! I feel like I'm a freshman again having horrible break outs. WTF? I'm 28 years old (well almost) I should not be getting pimples like this.

I don't think I was ready for all this change just to have a baby. I can only imagine what I will be like once I'm actually pregnant. God I hope it's better than this.
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So speaking of God, yesterday was Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent. I am giving up sodas! no more for this chick :) need to get used to not drinking them since I won't be able to once I'm preggers, right?!

Anyway, I went to worship at work because one of my co-workers was preaching and I love listening to him. He started out talking about asking what was the one most important thing in your life. Gave the example, 'if your house is on fire and you had 30 seconds, what would you grab?'. He continued on with his sermon and this sentence stuck out and stayed with me, 'When you have a child, some primeval disposition is awakened in your soul. And like my parent's before me, I find myself willing to give anything for my children.' Got me thinking, at this very moment, the most important things to me are my hubs and the dogs. At some point (in the nearer future) that will change. Our primeval disposition will be awakened and the most important thing to us will be our child. I wonder if we would fight each other to save the babe if our house was on fire. haha

I think the thing to remember is how to distribute importance equally and not let one thing rule all the rest.

Wordless (ASH) Wednesday

YAY flippy flops!

Wordless Wednesday

 my love :)

sexy and i know it

a recent convo the hubs and i had, cracked me up and the subject got changed, we will need to revisit and finish this one  :)

me: i want to make this shelf.
hubs: so you like that, uh?
me: YES. what happened to all the old doors from the house?
hubs: gone
me: gone where?
hubs: burned
me: well, we're gonna have to get a door.
hubs: you're serious about wanting to do that.
me: YES and you're gonna make it.
hubs: me?
me: well yeah, you build and fix things. why else do you think i married you?
hubs: cause i'm sexy and you know it
me: bwahahahaha, that too.


(gotta love his short/smart ass and one word responses)

Wordless Wednesday

a work in progress

Anxiety and Emotions don't mix well

So the hubs and I have been discussing children more and more lately. We really have no 'set' plans. We have been been married for almost 4 years. We've waited long enough. Financially we aren't quite ready (but they always say "you never have enough money to have kids!"); he is ready; me, I've been teetering on the idea. Some days I'm like 'let's do it now' and others I'm like 'yeah SO not ready yet'.

We have decided once this month's birth control pack was empty, we weren't going to refill. I called the pharmacy and removed my prescription from the ready-fill program. As I was on the phone my heart started beating a little fast, nervousness set in, I got excited, the idea was setting in and all the emotions scared the crap out of me. It passed quickly and I was okay again.

That was a little over a week ago and NOW I have 10 pills left. Every night I take one more and there is one less left. The anxiety and emotions grow a little bigger every night when more pills disappear, I go to bed, wake up and forget about it and start all over the next night. What is going on in my brain???

I know it's a big decision, life changing, and maybe that's what is wrong. Our life is going to be drastically different and I know this—sleepless nights, diapers, numerous feedings, the dogs, our tiny house, hospital bills. I fear the future and I know I shouldn't but I'm having a hard time turning it off. Am I the only one who has gone through this? I am confident I am not but it still drives me crazy.

Last night was the season finale of Tori & Dean. This season Tori was pregnant with her 3rd baby. I was surprised at how much they showed of Hatti's birth. Lot's of home video footage at the hospital. Tori talked a lot about the love this child will be born into. I'm not gonna lie, I cried through the whole thing. Seeing the way she interacts with Liam and Stella (her first 2 kids), it's all about the love of family. While she was in the birthing room she said she wasn't ready yet to have baby yet, but once they found out it was a girl and Hatti cried, you could see Tori change. She was a new mommy all over again. (and I bawled again)

Watching that episode helped me realize it's okay to have fear and be scared. I am hoping once the waiting is over and we move forward, all the anxiety will take a long walk off a short pier and I can start be excited about our future and how much FUN and full of LOVE it will be and have. Chris and I have so much love for one another, it carries us everyday. That is what I have been clinging to with all my strength, knowing that the love we have for one another and the amazing families and friends we have, will get us through anything life throws at us. My favorite band said it best:

—I hate breaking this news here because my mother and some family members follow my blog and I don't want them to know before I'm ready to let the cat out of the bag, I have fantastical ideas on how to surprise everyone. But this is my place to vent and get shit off my chest.—So here is my disclaimer for this post:

We have NOT started trying! Don't ask cause I won't tell you. Don't expect it to be soon, we aren't planning anything after the next 10 days. It will happen when it happens. But someday in the future when my uncle asks me if 'I have a bun in the oven yet' he will get a different answer than he's used too.   :)

Wordless Wednesday

new color for a new month. Hello February!