Anxiety and Emotions don't mix well

So the hubs and I have been discussing children more and more lately. We really have no 'set' plans. We have been been married for almost 4 years. We've waited long enough. Financially we aren't quite ready (but they always say "you never have enough money to have kids!"); he is ready; me, I've been teetering on the idea. Some days I'm like 'let's do it now' and others I'm like 'yeah SO not ready yet'.

We have decided once this month's birth control pack was empty, we weren't going to refill. I called the pharmacy and removed my prescription from the ready-fill program. As I was on the phone my heart started beating a little fast, nervousness set in, I got excited, the idea was setting in and all the emotions scared the crap out of me. It passed quickly and I was okay again.

That was a little over a week ago and NOW I have 10 pills left. Every night I take one more and there is one less left. The anxiety and emotions grow a little bigger every night when more pills disappear, I go to bed, wake up and forget about it and start all over the next night. What is going on in my brain???

I know it's a big decision, life changing, and maybe that's what is wrong. Our life is going to be drastically different and I know this—sleepless nights, diapers, numerous feedings, the dogs, our tiny house, hospital bills. I fear the future and I know I shouldn't but I'm having a hard time turning it off. Am I the only one who has gone through this? I am confident I am not but it still drives me crazy.

Last night was the season finale of Tori & Dean. This season Tori was pregnant with her 3rd baby. I was surprised at how much they showed of Hatti's birth. Lot's of home video footage at the hospital. Tori talked a lot about the love this child will be born into. I'm not gonna lie, I cried through the whole thing. Seeing the way she interacts with Liam and Stella (her first 2 kids), it's all about the love of family. While she was in the birthing room she said she wasn't ready yet to have baby yet, but once they found out it was a girl and Hatti cried, you could see Tori change. She was a new mommy all over again. (and I bawled again)

Watching that episode helped me realize it's okay to have fear and be scared. I am hoping once the waiting is over and we move forward, all the anxiety will take a long walk off a short pier and I can start be excited about our future and how much FUN and full of LOVE it will be and have. Chris and I have so much love for one another, it carries us everyday. That is what I have been clinging to with all my strength, knowing that the love we have for one another and the amazing families and friends we have, will get us through anything life throws at us. My favorite band said it best:

—I hate breaking this news here because my mother and some family members follow my blog and I don't want them to know before I'm ready to let the cat out of the bag, I have fantastical ideas on how to surprise everyone. But this is my place to vent and get shit off my chest.—So here is my disclaimer for this post:

We have NOT started trying! Don't ask cause I won't tell you. Don't expect it to be soon, we aren't planning anything after the next 10 days. It will happen when it happens. But someday in the future when my uncle asks me if 'I have a bun in the oven yet' he will get a different answer than he's used too.   :)